I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. Henry Youngman

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. George Bush

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. Winston Spear

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids! Milton Berle

I like children - fried. W. C. Fields