A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Ronnie Corbett

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. Marvin Kitman

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. Zsa Zsa Gabor

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. Anonymous